Super Guest

Some years ago, a wag offered that he spread marijuana on his breakfast food. I thought he was both loony and hilarious. Now in sorrow I’ve forgotten his name and can’t apologize for my reaction to his wise insight.

In truth, I’ve discovered how to make myself a fine dinner guest, a great companion, a raconteur without malice, a wit without a cutting edge, and a pleasure to know. The answer is simply to write a new posting on my blog; it’s the greatest combination of tranquilizer and stimulant ever developed.

Years after one of my more unusually successful self help programs - quitting smoking, I learned that nicotine was the greatest and most fearsome drug available to man as it took care of whatever chemical hit was needed at the moment. Anxious, drag on a butt and you’ll find the world a better place. Hyper, no problem, just inhale; calmness is on the way. But I know now that blogs are better than cigarettes.

In this modern world of good health, I’m limited to two – large – cups of caffeine to jump start me each morning and at least two twelve ounce cans of alcohol to settle me at Happy Hour. With a chemically dependency like that every day, is it any wonder that I had become a social pariah at dinner parties; properly primed, I thought everyone wanted to talk about politics, religion and sex.

A technical cretin, I was unable to master any modern technology until a few months ago when I stumbled into the wonderful world of blogging. Like any addict, I started slowly. My first forays into insulting politicians, artist, actors, and authors were mild and those absorbing the blows could only have smiled had they ever read my commentaries.

Like every addict, over time my need for fixes grew more frequent and far more deadly. President Bush became the Emperor, neo-conservatives became complete simpletons; you see where I’m going with this.

Then I made my first major discovery. After a particularly barbed zinger into a political idiot, I found that I could go to dinner and feel no need to embarrass my hosts with vitriolic emanations about the puppet in the White House or just how stupid neocons really are. Invitations – mainly because of my socially adept wife – became more common and there was no hesitancy in pairing me with a woman whose ideas just weeks earlier would have forced me to explain just why she was an ignorant Neanderthal. Life became good again. It had to be the blog.

Within weeks, my technical capacity reached new heights and I reached the zenith of blogdom, a counter was placed on my blog. Within days I was able to scream out my window, “Eureka! Nobody cares! Nobody reads my crap!” Can you imagine the joy? I was free to heap my bile on any and all public figures. There was no limit to the dosages I was able to self prescribe. Do you know just what a stupid s—t ------- is? Just insert the name of a public figure from any sphere. I, in my new nirvana of wisdom, know just how stupid, venal, evil each and every public figure in the world is. It had to be the blog.

Blogs are completely secure. Unless you’re a total idiot and write good stuff, you’ll never be found out. Blogs are far more private than diaries locked away in attics. No one – NO ONE in his right mind would read one. Just scroll blogs and see what I mean. You’re my first reader and the first to know - I blog therefore, I am. I write down my most wicked thoughts and insults, and I feel good. Then I go into the phone booth and emerge as Super Guest. Want me over?