The Gardening Conspiracy

While wild, Wild Bill is a very ordinary fellow. Into his seventies, his mid-life crisis passed more than three decades ago at a net cost of $161. He loves his wonderful suburban wife of well over forty years standing. McMansions and Bentleys do nothing for him. He’s into coaching his granddaughter’s softball team and attending music, drama, and athletic contests that demonstrate just how talented all his second generation offspring really are.

Since the wife and I never had a joint hobby, when the children fledged the nest, we decided like so many of our regular cohorts to take up the beautiful and harmless pastime of gardening. Since we knew nothing about landscaping or growing plants, we had no idea what we were getting into. We laughed at the cartoons of obsessive boaters and golfers, but surely gardening would be different. Even those eccentric old ladies can take time from their petunias to talk about their cats. Gardening is a hobby for the gentlest of folks.

Well, Wild Bill and his consort have been at it for well over two decades, and we know just how wrong we were. We’re working on our third yard, and, of course, it’s not right - it never was and never will be. Fortunately, our enemy this time is a tiny twenty-two by fifteen foot patio garden, so we’re not quite as badly defeated as we were by the two previous opponents. Still, we’re always just hours from throwing in the trowel and letting nature consume what we have wrought.

Wild Bill’s had an epiphany! Gardening is a conspiracy. The ultimate conspiracy designed to save the nation with its budget deficits and Social Security trust fund shortfall from the aging Baby Boomers who are bearing down on it. All of our national problems – Medicare, Medicaid, Personal Accounts, trade and budget deficits, all – are simply red herrings to draw attention away from the Gardening Conspiracy.

It appears so innocent. The President proclaims Arbor Day; the Department of Agriculture develops still one more perfect pear tree; the Environmental Protection Agency approves a new and effective organic pesticide; the National Park Service creates new plantings at its park entrances across the land; local and national newspapers unleash their slightly paunchy middle aged garden writers - the true pit bulls of this cabal; publishing houses trot out their latest coffee table titles on great gardens of the world; misleading mortality statistics are leaked by the National Institutes of Health and the Census Bureau touting the benefits of the fresh air and moderate – ho, ho, ho – exercise provided by gardening. Lies! All lies! Gardening will kill you. It will kill us all.

At great risk to Wild Bill, the following precepts that guide the conspirators were surreptitiously garnered from the cabal and are offered for your protection:

All plants are mortal. They die within days after the guarantees expire.

Brown spots spread rapidly.

Black spots spread more rapidly than brown spots.

Plants that appear ill are.

Plants that look healthy are not.

Carefully following the planting instructions ensures that your plants will succumb more rapidly.

You watered too little or too much, depending on what you confessed to the nurseryman about the deceased plant in your car.

Your first choice on plant placement is always wrong – as are all subsequent choices.

The hole is never deep enough.

These precepts are by no means exhaustive. They are merely samples from the more than 200 drawn from the files of the conspirators.

The lesson is simple. If you are a gardener, STOP. If you are thinking of becoming a gardener, DON’T. Just say NO. Your life, happiness and Social Security Benefits depend on it.

Blog on!

Wild Bill